crazylamb1 (crazylamb1) wrote,

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I want. I really want.

I feel like crying at the moment.

Not for any specific reason..I just feel it.

I think the main reason is that I miss... emotions. I haven't been ATTACHED to someone for a really long time. I don't just mean in that "romantic" sense, or having a crush or anything..even friendship. Ever since my friendship with Sabina and Dado ended, it hasn't been the same... well, I have Marina. She is my bestest friend here (aside from my cousin Dino, of course) and I love her to death...but it lacks that SOMETHING, that excitement that I felt with Sabina and Dado...

Also... as far as the "romance" thing goes... as I mentioned, I had a chance for some pure physical fun with a gal I didn't even meet... but I didn't really want that. Then there was the other girl, Maja... the one I said was a little too femme... and she is, but I don't know, she was alright... and she seemed to really be into me, and then suddenly her messages (on my cell) stopped... and she just said she was busy with school. My thoughts: either a) she was only "experimenting" her attraction to girls and decided to go back to boys, b) her 'rents found out and are preventing her from contacting me or c) she simply for one reason or other lost interest.

Anyway...I've let that one go, and don't really care... but here's the deal: Ari is actually a bit into this BOI. He's 6-7 years older than me.. with looong dark hair... and my grandma, when she saw him on videotape, asked if that's a boi or grrl. I laughed. Although a person with decent eye-sight would never even question...but I think it was because of the long hair that she asked.

And it is suuuch long, pretty hair. And, could it be? Ari...liking a boi? I don't know. I mean, I KNOW that it isn't as intense as it can be with a girl (the emotions/attractions). And I know that the boi-attractions happen much less frequently than grrl-attractions. But since there ARE some boys I find attractive (even if it is to a lesser degree than grrls) I should probably not be calling myself a dyke. Not completely.

To go over the past...year or two that I've been here.. there was Izy..the blonde boy I made out with about a year ago. Cute. Long hair (yeah, those boys tend to tickle my fancy more than any others). Then there was Denis, also blonde and long-haired. Had some fun with him. Until he got annoying. Then there was Jasmin..also long-haired..but light brownish... and CURLY like hell. I kinda liked him, but it was more on an intellectual level than anything..

Then there was Dado.. but shhh... don't tell anyone. Well, I don't know. I just think he's the bestest friend (male, other than my cousin Dino) that I had here... and that's the main factor. Plus, he looks like a cute wittle boi. I think I'm attracted to the IDEA of him..and also the idea of him and Sabina... I don't know what it is. It's like I'm attracted to them as a couple..I mean, to them BEING a couple (not that I would like to BE with them both...esp. not at the same time!!)

I can't describe that. And now..we come to Edo. The rrrreally-long haired dark-brown-haired boi. Physically, I liked Izy most. But when you combine everything... Edo is best. Cute, but also VVVVERY nice and interesting and I really enjoy his company. I mean that in a friendly "let's hang out" way. So, combine the friends factor and the cute-factor..and you get boi #1 so far.

Keep in mind that this is a handfull of bois in a two-year opposed to UNCOUNTABLE grrls..and also the fact that there have been a few gals that NONE of the bois will ever match in attraction level..

I don't mean to sound either like I'm TRYING to be into bois, or that I'm TRYING to remain non-interested in bois... in fact, I am just letting myself feel and am letting out my thoughts on the matter here.

And at this point..I just finally..GOT that feeling! The feeling I mentioned at the beginning... the one that's lacking... ever since I met Edo and his friend Pinky, I LOVE hanging out with them. So much fun! I've been missing that... and now that I've got a taste of it again, I feel a REALLY feel it and continue feeling it..and it makes me wanna cry. I feel like I want to try...something. I don't even know what.

I know I plan to continue hanging out with them frequently... but I don't know what I *want* from it all... just hanging out..close friendship.. and then Edo. Do I want just friendship..friendship and a little making out... one-time making out.. fuck-buddy... one time fuck... relationship.. NO FUCKING IDEA. At times I feel like ANY of them would be plausible and like I would want any/all of them... other times none of said things, other times one or some.

Right now..right now, I don't know. Actually, I know it's not NONE. I know I would want SOMETHING. I don't THINK I'd want a relationship... actually, what appeals to me most is something like "friends with benefits" where the "benefits" would include whatever we both pleased.. whether that be an occasional kiss.. or more.

It just feels so WEIRD..talking about a boi like that... but... I don't know. KDSJFPWOEI RPSKJDNF PAIOUWER PAOKDFJPAWEIA POISJFPAOWIE POAIWEUR PAOISJ CVOAPIWE JROAISJ OKADF OIAJWEOP JFPOIAJW EROIAJ... *cries* I feel so tired. Emotionally. Drained. I want. I need. I miss. Help. Someone. Anyone. Teardrop. Could it be tiredness..physically? The fact that it is now 20 minutes till 4am... (yeah, I took tons of breaks writing this).

Could be. But these past few days have confused me... because I don't know what I'm feeling.. And I know I want SOMETHING. The worst part is that I don't know what EXACTLY I want nor do I know how to/whether I can get it.

I know that I'm being a pain..and for ANYONE reading this, wow, I am amazed that you are that bored... more than me apparently...

*sigh* I'm gonna get to bed, because I see this is getting me nowhere...

To conclude: I want. I really want.
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