crazylamb1 (crazylamb1) wrote,
crazylamb1
crazylamb1

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Necessity

I need to write..because I haven't in a while.
I need to write..because I have to let it out.

I deserved this...didn't I?

I deserved every little bit of it.
Why do we hurt each other?
Because we care.
If we didn't care, it wouldn't hurt.

Just reading over some old stuff now... back in September it was written. "Maybe I'll even get over him in time and will be able to be committed to this gal emotionally. Doubtful, but possible." Interesting that for once, the doubtful has happened. My romantic life has been a series of let-downs, a series of if-onlys...and we've reached a "finally! it's here". The doubtful has completely happened. A 100% turn-around. Not only am I over the dude as I mentioned a couple of months ago... he has stooped to a new low in my eyes. I can hardly even look at him and I look forward to going out with the gang more if he's not around. He existed in my heart for a little while (2-3 months extremely..and then about 2 months of getting over him).

I compared my feelings for him to my feelings for Liz. To be truthful, it can't compare. At all. It's been AGES since I've seen Liz...ages since I've thought of her the way I used to, and I can still say with 100% confidence that I loved her. I'll always love her in my memory... She impacted greatly on me and she was just... something huge for me. My first real, romantic love. That feeling didn't just go away... the only thing that took it away was the fact that I didn't hear or see her for months on end when I moved here. Then the feelings slowly started fading. They just sort of dissolved. Time and space doing their job, I suppose. With him though, the feelings actually DIED. There was a key moment, I mentioned in a previous post, on Dec. 16th when he truly died in my eyes romantically. I could never be with such a person. I would never want to. As a friend, he is a tad better. But slowly I'm beginning to see that even in friendship he seems to like taking advantage of people and controlling them as much as possible. This doesn't sound like a person I want being my friend. He holds no special place in my heart. He isn't a fond memory, like Liz (who is at worst, a somewhat bitter memory, but even the bitterness has since dissolved).

In the here and now... I AM in love. For the first time in the reciprocated fashion. For the first time in a relationship.. Over 6 months now. It's finally happened. Everything I used to long for, I have...

Or do I?

I was certain before, she'd never lie.

Even when she betrayed me, I was glad because she was honest. I figured I could trust her still. Trust that she tells me everything and wouldn't lie to me or break any promises. I still trusted that. Only to find out she lied... yes, it was long ago. But she LIED. She outright LIED. This is the second time she's made me cry like this. The worst tears I've ever tasted. I wasn't sure that I could keep breathing...I was choking too hard on my tears.

This little lie might not have hurt me had I known about it THEN. Because then I wouldn't have cared. I would have said "alright, that's fine, but don't complain if I ever do the same". I can't say that anymore. I care now. I don't WANT to do the same. Not even with Liz. And that says a lot. Well, hold on...let's back up a bit. This was before we were even 2 months in... look at the stuff I wrote in September... and the things I continued feeling through October... less so in November, and finally seeing their demise in December. Through all of this I was with her... I was leading her on then. Some friends were even telling me to break it off if I wasn't into her to spare her from the pain that would become larger and larger with each day. It was always a delay... I don't know why, but I always found excuses for why I didn't want to do it THEN. Either a special day (like her birthday, or our 1-2 month anniversary, ...) or it just wasn't "right" in that moment (because I happened to be enjoying that particular moment). So I prolonged the break-up. Finally... the day before our 3 months... I decided it would be HORRIBLE of me to "celebrate" 3 months and be thinking of breaking up with her. So I broke it off. Then it hit me. I love her. In the time I thought about when and how I'm going to break up, I actually grew attached to her. And I've been oh-so-fully attached ever since. I couldn't dream of letting her go.

That scares me. I'm afraid of where that puts me... if she lied and cheated... would I take her back? Time after time... excuse after excuse... apology after apology? Would I take it? Or would I pay the price for my own dignity? Would I endure the suffering that would follow if I let her go? I don't know that I could. That's a scary thought. To know she could do nearly anything and I wouldn't say goodbye. I need to be stronger than that. I'll just suffer either way. If I'm in a relationship full of lies and tears, I suffer. If I let her go, I'll suffer. But eventually I'd get over her as everyone always gets over everyone. And the suffering would stop.

Now it's just a question of whether this is it. Will there be no more of it? No more lies or betrayals? I will take no more.

I wrote a little poem sort of thing a few hours ago about this:

One More

Why do you keep doing this...
I feel you betray me...
Once more...
But I can't let you go...

I can't do this...
This isn't me...
I should let go...

One lie...
One let-down...
It should be enough
For me to let you go...

Why can't I?
Why am I holding on?
I love you...
But things don't happen just once...
and then again...
and then stop.

There'll be more betrayals or lies..
Along with your excuses...
Goodbyes, traditions, what'll it be next?
How much more will I take?

I promise myself...
One more lie...
One more let-down...
Just one.
And I'll let go.

.............

I plan to keep my promise.

Once more if she betrays me...specifically does something we agreed NOT to do...hurts me with it... OR if she lies to me, and it's over. The ONLY lies I would tolerate either of us telling the other is something that is used for a nice surprise and will not hurt either of us. (e.g. if for example it's her b-day and I tell her... I don't know. That I didn't get her anything and then surprise her with something awesome. Or lying to keep something like a surprise party a surprise. You get the idea.) Those are the ONLY sort of lies I'd accept. But lies intended to prevent one of us from getting hurt will NOT be tolerated (why even do the thing that would hurt the other)? No lies. She lied once and probably has forgotten that I will get to read that little tidbit... or has finally decided to come clean in this way. By definition, she cheated on me twice now. Twice. The first time, if she had just TOLD me then, I wouldn't have cared. I would have probably done the same then if I had an opportunity with a love from before her (Liz or Ado, for example) simply because I didn't care as much then. Now, I don't WANT to be kissing anyone if she's not there.

So, her mistake there... not telling me until now (intentionally or not, I don't know...worse if this was unintentional). That's the lie. I'm trying to validate this...make it acceptable because of WHEN it happened. The only problem is... it's not the kiss that bothers me. I could accept the kiss because of WHEN it happened. That's acceptable, yes. But what I'm finding hard to accept, regardless of WHEN it happened is the LIE. The moment she said "I love you" I expected no lies. Actually, I mostly expect people not to lie in general...but it's sort of understood that if you claim to love someone...be in love with someone... you won't lie to them.

I can't recall whether I've ever explicitly LIED to her. However, I betrayed her... worse than she's ever betrayed me. She accepted that and forgave me. I mean him, of course. The first month of our relationship I was CRAZY about him and the following two months it was on-and-off, depending on how much time I spent with each of them (i.e. the one I'm with more is the one my emotions gravitated towards at that time). So that's 3 months of betrayal... emotional betrayal. That's horrible. She's moved past it. Hell, I commend her for being able to sit together with the entire gang, including him and not tear him to pieces. I think that if I had to see her old love as much as she sees him, I'd need to go into anger management to learn to restrain myself. Or I'd just go insane and find my insides just EATING away at me.

So, what's worse? My betrayal back then... or hers? Mine was a prolonged emotional deal...which I told her about a little over a month after my "emotional affair" ended. I wanted to tell her and didn't know how to bring it up... I meant to tell her right then, the night he died. I almost did. But I figured I just might be caught up in the moment and regret it later and I wanted to wait for a new day. Then I just didn't feel right bringing it up out of the blue... and so eventually, when we were talking about the people in our lives before...either who we were with or were crazy about, I mentioned him. I told her. She didn't seem hurt by it... but then I didn't really tell her how long it lasted or how I really felt. I just told her I liked him before...before we got together and then a bit into our relationship. What ended up bothering her though was when through a little joke my cousin made I ended up admitting that I used to think of him while doing "something" I do alone *cough cough* Actually, my cousin jokingly accused me of doing it, and in my defense I said how I hadn't in nearly two months (thought of him during "something"). This seemed to strike her. I didn't realize it would. She said she didn't think of a single other person in her "alone moments" since we became a couple. Funny she didn't think of anyone else and was bothered that I did... yet she oh-so-passionately kissed her only love before me while we were nearly two months into our relationship.

Neither of us is in a place to judge the other. This is why this can't be the last straw... first of all, it was so long ago, and if she consciously let me read that particular entry (if she hasn't forgotten about it), then that's her way of admitting it finally. Although, really, she should have admitted it when I admitted my little betrayal to her. It would have been 100% appropriate then and it could have been a sort of... "you betrayed me, I betrayed you... that was early on, things are different now, let's put it behind us". Makes me wonder... because she said specifically that I am the first person she has never cheated on. Mentioned numerous stories from the first days of our relationship when an old "make-out partner" would want something and she'd back off. Not once did she mention this instance. In fact, if this happened when I think it happened, she might have proudly mentioned to me how the girl WANTED to kiss her but she said NO. That's outright LYING. That I just can't believe. LYING. To me. Boasting about being faithful AS she was being unfaithful. Disgusting. Painful. Horrifying.

I can't believe she lied. But then, in a way... so did I, didn't I? Telling her about my crush over a month after it dies is lying. Not explicitly, but it is concealing the truth. In my books, that's lying. So I lied. She lied. I fessed up. She did too. At least... I hope she did. If she didn't intend for me to read what I read, then it's worse than I thought.

I will get over this... because of my own betrayal, because of when it happened...just because. I got over her little "tradition"..making-out with her best friend...it was a tradition they did on birthdays I think... or New Year's... not sure, and this year they didn't, so one night they made up for it while we were out.. I didn't see, they went to go take a leak. She told me about it the very same night, so at least there was no LYING involved. However, it's considered betrayal if you have an agreement not to do ANYTHING ("sexual" if you will) with anyone, unless we're both in it together and agree to it... and then she goes off and makes out with her. Hmm. That spells betrayal to me. And this was recent. A week ago. And tonight I find out about the old lie.

She's made me cry twice in one week. Not a good sign. I'm just hoping that she's used the betrayal from last week as a learning experience and decided to share her blog with me in order to fess up about the kiss. Part of me thinks though that she's forgotten that I never knew about it or that she wrote about it. Because she mentioned how she thinks there's nothing in there I don't already know, but she just felt like she should share her blog with me (she hasn't shared the link with anyone else other than her cousin, so aside from us, only "virtual" people have read it). So, either she thought she already told me about the kiss... or she forgot it was written there and mistakenly let the cat out of the bag. Or...what I'm hoping is that she was fully aware of the old entry and consciously led me to it as a way to fess up. I have to know. Was it conscious... ? If I directly ask how come she never told me about kissing her... then a) if she forgot it was in the blog, she'll probably ask how I know. b) if she thought I knew, she'll say that, and c) mostly everything else would mean it was conscious... So, I shall ask and see.

Anyway..regardless of her response... she has strike two written in my books... strike three and she's out..however painful it may be for me. She's seen how much it hurts me, she knows... I hope she's smart enough not to let it repeat itself ever again. The only thing I worry about is the possibility of her lying. But she recently promised she wouldn't. And the promises she makes, she keeps. And I was certain I could trust her, that she wouldn't lie... but now that I've learned about that old kiss... I'm not so sure. Unless, in keeping with her promise, she's decided to fess up. I need to know.

Why does it HURT? The one who makes me happiest makes me hurt the most. I just wish she would have told me... by the time I fessed up about my own betrayal. It was relevant then... it would have been perfect to bring up then. But no, she was innocent because she never cheated in her mind or in reality... and I cheated in my mind. She probably did both back then. Hell, even when the clock struck midnight she thought of HER. I learned that in her blog as well.

I fear she's still not over her... I fear that if she had the chance, she'd sleep with her. I fear she'd hurt me again. There, Liz. You happy now? You used to say that maybe you never ended up with me because I wasn't bruised fruit, which you seemed to be attracted to. Well, I'm bruised all over now. But unfortunately, even if you wanted me now, I wouldn't have you. And goddammit, I don't WANT to be bruised. I don't want YOUR fears. I want to trust people. Not like you. Why must I be like you? Same fear. Different time. I don't know if I trust her anymore. And if there's ever an end, I don't know that I'll ever as easily trust anyone again. Thank you, my love, for bruising me. Thank you for taking away my trust in people. Of all people that are unrelated to me... you were the only one I felt I could trust. And there you go...time and time again, hurting me. Twice. Still counting. Waiting. I expect it to come now. How will this go on? I can't take this. I'm not cut out for this. I can't breathe. At all. Choking. Again. Thank you, my love. Thanks again.

Everything tends to be better in the morning... a good night's sleep takes the tears away. And it doesn't seem as bad. Although... last time... I still cried in the morning...just not as much as the previous evening. I'm crying less tonight than I did that night, so maybe tomorrow I won't cry at all... maybe it will all be better. Easier. More understandable.

I think that altogether (when including the text behind the lj-cuts), this is the longest entry I've written to date. I've written it for me... because I couldn't hold it in. I'd actually prefer people didn't read it...especially that last LJ-cut... because it's too long and unimportant to anyone but me and one other person. With that, I'm off. Into sleep-land I come. At the wee hours of 5.30 in the morning.
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