crazylamb1 (crazylamb1) wrote,

What dwells inside...

It's been far too long. Far too much is left unsaid.

So many complications.

One - Ari doesn't have a boyfriend. Well, *sigh* sort of. I don't know. I don't know what we are or what I want us to be.

Two - Ari is appalled by how easily someone could shake her friendship with her best friend.

Three - Exams are just around the corner and I've barely begun studying.

Four - Ari has a new grrl-crush whose desires she knows nothing about. Does she fancy the ladies or the gents? Mayhaps both? Mayhaps ME?

Let's get more

First off.. I'm not sure what I feel for Edo, my "boyfriend", if you will. I'm not sure how to read him. He might be a complete bastard. If some people are to be trusted. Or, some other people might be complete bastards, if he's to be trusted. I think I can trust the others more than him. Leaving me with the likely possibility that he lies and lies and lies about silly, irrelevant things. About most things. Leaving me with the desire to either a) cease all contact with him, b) just hang out sometimes, or c) hang out and screw around w/ one another. Most likely will stick with c).

But, if we forget logic for a second and also pretend that no one here (in my town) can read this.. I must admit that if I just let myself, I'd probably be nuts about him. If I let myself. I think I've SOMEHOW learned to control my emotions. I don't let myself consciously consider getting attached all too often because it leaves me vulnerable and almost inevitabley gets me hurt in the end. And in this case, I *really* shouldn't be getting attached, because that's not what this is. On my side of things, it COULD be maybe, if I learned that he wasn't lying and if he was interested in making things more serious. But as things stand right now.. well, I can't. I can't get attached. First there's the vulnerability issue. But more importantly, there's the trust issue. I don't know if he's to be trusted.

Also, I allowed him to speak horribly of my best friend and didn't do a single thing in an attempt to defend her. I believed everything he said. Based on the fact that he seemed a reliable source on ONE thing. That does not imply he's reliable on ALL things.

I met some new folks.. some girls. One of whom is really cute and interesting and we just kind of clicked right away. She reminds me a little of Ani DiFranco... her hair is semi-dread-lock-like. I mean, it's sooo curly and she MUST use something on it because parts are litterally like dread-locks while other parts just look like super-curly hair. And when I feel the more dread-lock-like parts, they feel just like dreads. So, yeah..Ari's into dread-headed gals, it seems. Not that I didn't know this from before.. She's such a cutie..

We're supposed to go out Saturday night (a group of us), but then, Edo is coming... sooo.. either we all go out together or I have to choose. I haven't seen Edo since I went to Sarajevo to visit him a couple of weeks ago (that's the capital of Bosnia - he's doing the Music Academy over there, should be done this summer). But then, I've only seen this gal for one night. Could we all go out together? Yeah. But.. possible conflict of interest: suppose something happens with ONE of them that the other sees. Eg. Edo and I kiss and she sees and assumes I'm straight and taken and any chance I may have had w/ her disappears (yes, I'm considering the possibility that I may have a chance with her even though I don't even know her sexual orientation which is statistically most likely to be none other than straight).

I don't know... maybe we could all go out together... somehow I doubt there'll be any public displays of affection between me and anyone. If anything should happen it would probably happen away from the prying eyes of all others.

Anyway... enough babble, I wanted to post a pic or two of my two "crushes" Edo and Hana (the new gal), but being that I'd need to upload them somewhere else first and then post them here, I'm not gonna bother.

I've babbled too much. Off to sleep I goes.

Inside that lj-cut is a lot of uselesss babbling.. read only if super-bored with nothing better to do. Maybe not even then. Just a warning, because it's boring. Little thoughts inside my little head.
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